My Sister Took From the ‘Bank of Mom and Dad’—Now Our Family is in Ruins
Did my parents’ favoritism tear us apart, or is there still a way to fix this?
Dear DIYWallSt,
I am the oldest of three siblings. My sister is three years younger, and my brother is eight years younger. Growing up, my father was always looking for ways to earn more money, and I was expected to help.
By the time I was 12 years old, I was pulling wire for an electrician, rewiring houses, and helping my dad on the land he owned, mowing the property and digging water lines. My dad had a garage where he repaired cars, and I was unpaid labor learning how to fix small engines. My sister didn’t have to work—she was the girl in the family—and my brother was too young to be put to work.
I eventually put myself through college, earning a degree in engineering and moving a few hours away. I got scholarships to cover a chunk of my education, and my parents helped with some costs for the first couple of years. But when my sister went to college, my parents fully funded her education. She didn’t have to work a job and even had off-campus housing. My brother got some help, but not nearly as much as my sister.
After college, my sister got a government job, got married, and had kids. And throughout her life, my parents kept helping her—financially, constantly. They paid for things big and small, while my younger brother and I were expected to make it on our own.
The 'Bank of Mom and Dad' Never Closed for Her
She went to my parents for money all the time, especially after my dad passed away. It drove my younger brother crazy. He constantly argued with my mother about the unequal treatment and even went through periods where he refused to speak to her.
I ignored it for years. I told myself that it was their money, that they could do whatever they wanted. I was doing fine. I was successful. I didn’t need their financial help.
But then, something happened that changed everything.
My dad had an old truck that he never drove. I had asked him multiple times if I could buy it, but he always refused. After he passed, I asked my mother about it, and she told me she was keeping it. Then, six months later, she gave it to my sister’s kid. No discussion. No offer to me or my brother.
I swallowed my anger. I didn’t want to cause drama. But after my mom passed, things got worse.
When it came time to divide up the estate, my sister and her family got greedy. The process turned nasty. The resentment boiled over. My younger brother and I both cut off contact with her entirely.
Now, my family is divided, and it seems like there’s no way to fix it. I regret never speaking up when my father was alive, but it’s too late now. What should I do?
— The Older Brother
Dear Older Brother,
Your story is not uncommon. Families are often divided by perceived or real favoritism, especially when it comes to money. What may have seemed unfair but tolerable during your father’s lifetime became unbearable once your parents were gone and the estate had to be settled.
Your Sister Didn’t Just Take Money—She Took Your Parents’ Attention
You were raised with hard work and self-reliance. Your sister, on the other hand, was raised with financial support and fewer expectations. These differences shaped both of your lives. While you were out there earning your success, she became dependent on your parents' generosity.
But here’s what you need to ask yourself: Did your sister actually win in this situation?
It may feel like she got everything—free education, financial support, even your dad’s truck—but what she really got was dependency. Instead of learning to stand on her own, she relied on your parents to bail her out whenever she needed help.
Understanding Your Family’s Money Mindset
Therapists and financial psychologists often talk about how childhood experiences shape our relationship with money.
If you grow up watching your parents struggle, you might develop a scarcity mindset, always fearing you don’t have enough.
If money was always available with no effort required, you might become careless or even entitled.
Your sister was enabled, and that has consequences too. While you became financially independent, she remained emotionally and financially tethered to your parents.
What Now? Is There a Way to Heal?
Now that your parents are gone, the money is no longer the issue—the resentment is. If you want to move forward, you have two choices:
✅ Let It Go: Accept that you and your sister were treated differently and that life isn’t fair. Focus on the fact that you are successful, independent, and no longer need anything from your parents. If cutting her off brings you peace, then so be it.
✅ Rebuild (On Your Terms): If there is a part of you that wants your family back, you can choose to reconnect—but with boundaries. You don’t have to be best friends, but if you can acknowledge what happened without expecting an apology, you might be able to salvage some relationship.
Final Thoughts: Balancing Logic with Emotion
At the end of the day, money is just a tool. It can build wealth, but it can also tear families apart. What your parents did was unfair, but the question now is: Do you want to spend the rest of your life angry about it?
You worked hard. You earned your success. You got out. But what matters most now isn’t the money—it’s whether or not you want to find peace with your past and your family.
Whether you choose to let go or reach out, make sure it’s your decision, not just a reaction to the past.
— DIYWallSt